Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
